Have you ever found yourself doing something in stark contrast to what your innermost being believes? You’re someone who prides oneself on being honest, yet faced with the choice of telling a little white lie to avoid a fight, you took the easy way out. You might value health, but skipping the gym for three weeks and indulging in junk seems to be just plain fun to you. In those situations, we feel so confused and guilty that we question our own integrity. All of us struggle when we behave against our values, and having insights into why we act this way fosters our ability to heal with awareness in line with our values.
Behaving in ways that are inconsistent with our values is a universal human experience. But why should this happen? More importantly, how do we bridge the feeling we have in our hearts with what we do? The rest of this article will examine this psychological process in depth, to explain five surprising reasons why we behave against our values, and will provide practical strategies for aligning actions with values. You will therefore pass some understanding of yourself and work out tools to lead a more authentic and fulfilling life.
1. The Role of Cognitive Dissonance: When Beliefs and Actions Clash
What Is Cognitive Dissonance and Why We Behave Against Our Values?
Cognitive dissonance is the uncomfortable feeling we experience when our actions or behavior do not resonate with our beliefs or values. This feeling usually prompts us to change our behavior or to rationalize it in order to lessen the dissonance. For instance, if you totally despise using non-biodegradable plastic, yet you find yourself using them most of the times, you would convince yourself by saying, “One plastic bottle won’t make a difference.
Why It Happens
Cognitive dissonance stays within extent, hence leading to survival. Brains are constructed for desirous consistency that tends toward relief from overbearing mental stresses. When our actions conflict with our values, we’ve to face painful inner conflict. At this time, to manage our affairs, we usually take the easy way-out: Justify what we’re doing instead of changing it.
Real-Life Example
Consider a person who believes in the importance of honesty but lies on his resume for getting a job. He would think: “Everybody does it or I can show what I am in performance.” Such mental gymnastics results in less anxiety in the fact that he has to hold himself accountable to the fact that he compromised his values.
How to Overcome It
- Acknowledge the Discrepancy: The first step is to recognize when your actions don’t align with your values. Journaling or self-reflection can help you identify these gaps. For instance, ask yourself, “What values are most important to me, and how well am I living up to them?”
- Take Small Steps: Instead of overhauling your behavior overnight, make incremental changes. For example, if you value fitness but struggle to exercise, start with a 10-minute walk daily and gradually increase the intensity.
- Reframe Your Thoughts: Replace rationalizations with empowering beliefs. Instead of saying, “I don’t have time to exercise,” try, “I prioritize my health by making time for movement.”
2. The Influence of Social Pressure: When Others Shape Our Behavior
The Power of Conformity
Mostly, humans are social creatures, but the need for acceptance sometimes overshadows their values. In group situations, the fear of judgment and rejection from the majority sometimes forces them to do things that they wouldn’t normally practice. For example, you might have even laughed at an offensive joke, just because you didn’t want to look different while that basically contradicted your idea in respect and kind treatment towards people.
The Role of Authority Figures
Another factor could be authority: a boss, a parent, or a mentor. Often we tend to go against our value systems to fulfill their expectations, to please them, or to avoid unpleasantness. For example, an employee may fail to speak up about unethical behavior at work because he does not want to lose his job, even though in doing so, he may be violating his own conscience.”
Real-Life Example
Surely, thought Milgram’s experiment, where participants were likely to administer what they thought were painful electric shocks to others under the direction of an authority figure. This study demonstrates the extent to which social pressures can turn down personal morality.
How to Resist Social Pressure
- Know Your Non-Negotiables: Identify the values you’re unwilling to compromise, no matter the situation. This clarity will help you stay grounded in the face of pressure. For example, if integrity is a core value, commit to speaking up when you witness dishonesty.
- Practice Assertiveness: Learn to say no respectfully and confidently. For example, “I appreciate the offer, but that doesn’t align with my priorities.” Role-playing scenarios with a trusted friend can help you build this skill.
- Surround Yourself with Like-Minded People: Build a support network of individuals who share your values. Their encouragement can help you stay true to yourself, even in challenging situations.
3. Emotional Triggers: When Feelings Override Rationality
The Impact of Stress and Fatigue
When we’re stressed, tired, or overwhelmed, our ability to make value-aligned decisions diminishes, and we may behave against our values. For instance, after a long day at work, you might snap at a loved one, even though you value kindness and patience.
The Role of Instant Gratification
Fear, anger, and lust are the emotions that can drive people into immediacy concerning their gratification without regard for future goals. For example, you might find yourself spending unnecessarily just to soothe yourself though you know you’ll look after your budget in other ways.
Real-Life Example
Consider an example of someone who feels deeply about healthy eating but unwittingly indulges in some comfort food after a stressful day. The short-term emotional relief supersedes any long-term commitment to health.
How to Manage Emotional Triggers
- Pause Before Reacting: When emotions run high, take a moment to breathe and reflect before acting. Ask yourself, “Does this align with my values?” Techniques like the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method can help you regain focus.
- Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Replace impulsive behaviors with healthier alternatives, such as meditation, exercise, or talking to a friend. For example, instead of emotional eating, try journaling to process your feelings.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that everyone has moments of weakness. Instead of beating yourself up, focus on learning from the experience. For instance, “I didn’t handle that situation well, but I can do better next time.”
4. Unconscious Biases: When Hidden Beliefs Drive Our Actions
What Are Unconscious Biases?
Unconscious biases are automatic, ingrained beliefs that influence us and drive our behavior without our awareness. These biases can entice us to behave against our values, causing us to act in ways that contradict our stated beliefs. You might value equality but unconsciously favor candidates from your own demographic during hiring decisions, for example.
Why They’re Hard to Spot
Unconscious biases are deeply rooted in our upbringing, culture, and experiences. Because they operate below the surface, they’re difficult to recognize and address.
Real-Life Example
Our unconscious biases are automatic, ingrained beliefs which influence our behavior without our ever knowing it. These biases lead us to sometimes behave against our values and lead us to behave in ways that contradict our stated beliefs. Like, you say that everyone should have an equal opportunity but you hire people aligned with your own demographic.
How to Identify and Overcome Unconscious Biases
- Educate Yourself: Learn about common biases, such as confirmation bias or implicit bias, to become more aware of their influence. Resources like Harvard’s Implicit Association Test can help you uncover hidden biases.
- Seek Feedback: Ask trusted friends or colleagues to point out instances where your behavior may reflect unconscious biases. For example, “Do you think I treated everyone fairly in that meeting?”
- Challenge Assumptions: Actively question your thoughts and decisions. For example, “Am I favoring this person because of their qualifications, or because they remind me of myself?”
5. Lack of Clarity: When Values Are Vague or Conflicting
The Problem with Unclear Values
If your values are vague or undefined, it’s easy to act against them without realizing it. For example, if you value “success” but haven’t defined what that means to you, you might chase external validation at the expense of your well-being.
The Challenge of Conflicting Values
Conversely, two or more values might themselves compete, leading us to behave against our values. For instance, you might value career advancement just as much as family time, but a tough job will hardly allow you to enjoy either, causing you to act in ways that contradict your core beliefs.
Real-Life Example
So what would be the case of someone who is drawn both to security and adventure in life? This likely means he or she wrestles with a decision on whether to save for old age or to splurge on a dream vacation, perhaps acting against values of this internal conflict between securing a future versus seeking present gratification.
How to Gain Clarity
- Define Your Core Values: Write down your top 5-7 values and what they mean to you. For example, “Family means spending quality time with loved ones and being emotionally present.”
- Set Priorities: When values conflict, decide which one takes precedence in a given situation. For example, “This week, I’ll prioritize family by attending my child’s recital, even if it means working late tomorrow.”
- Revisit and Revise: Periodically review your values to ensure they still resonate with your current goals and circumstances. Life changes, and so can your values.
Behaving against our values is a common yet complex aspect of human behavior. Whether it’s due to cognitive dissonance, social pressure, emotional triggers, unconscious biases, or a lack of clarity, these misalignments can leave us feeling disconnected and unfulfilled. However, by understanding the underlying reasons and taking proactive steps, we can bridge the gap between our beliefs and actions.
Remember, self-awareness is the first step toward change. Take time to reflect on your values, identify areas of misalignment, and implement the strategies discussed in this article. By doing so, you’ll not only live a more authentic life but also inspire others to do the same.
What’s one value you’ve struggled to align with your actions? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let’s start a conversation about living with greater integrity and purpose. Don’t forget to share this article with anyone who might benefit from it!